Squad 5 The Reform
by Narilka
Summary: Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach...sadness :( What will happen when squad five gets a new Captain... attempt at humor
1. Chapter 1

"So let me get this straight, you want me, a Quincy, to be your Lieutenant?" Uryu adjusted his glasses.

"Yep." The girl answered. "I need someone that can hold his own, who will back me, and most importantly can keep the men on their toes."

"And I was your first choice?" Uryu asked a little skeptical.

"Like me, no one in the squad knows anything about you. I want to make some changes in the way we fight. Call me crazy but I'd like to instill **team work** and cooperation into the regimen".

"Awfully ambitious for a new captain..." Uryu stated neutrally.

"Which is why I immediately thought of you." She continued. "You'd be the first and only Quincy soul reaper Lieutenant."

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't squad 5 already have a Lieutenant?" Uryu interjected.

"Had, Lieutenant Hinomori has been transferred to squad 3 at her request, easier to work with old friends I suppose." She shrugged.

Uryu considered this briefly before giving his answer. "I accept, but on one condition."

She grinned broadly. "Name it."

"I want to be trained in Kido."

"Done." She offered her hand to seal the deal. "I'll train you myself."

Uryu shook her hand, thinking that any amount of regular exposure to the Soul Society would help sharpen his skills.

"Name's Tsunami, by the way, Kari Tsunami."

A few days later in the Soul Society

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN TRANSFERRED?" Yumichika bellowed.

"Your Captain signed the transfer papers." Uryu answered calmly.

"Here's his signature, right there." Captain Tsunami said pointing.

Yumichika checked and rechecked the paper. Sure enough it was Kenpachi's signature. Yumichika crumbled the paper in his fist, shaking with rage.

"Captain Zaraki, HOW DARE YOU TRANSFER ME!" Yumichika shrieked at the top of his lungs.

Captain Tsunami hid a smile behind her hand. Uryu just tuned out the distraught soul reaper.

"If you keep scowling like that you'll get wrinkles." Captain Tsunami cautioned him.

Yumichika made a visible effort to calm himself.

"Isn't three your favorite number anyway?" Uryu added.

Yumichika cheered up considerably at that. Third seat. In another squad. He successfully fought off a frown. He huffed in annoyance.

"Well, now that that's all settled, why don't we go torture the troops." Captain Tsunami said with a happy grin.

"Don't you mean train, Captain?" Uryu asked mildly amused.

"We know it's training, they think it's torture." She replied with a dismissive wave.

Yumichika pouted all the way to the squad 5 barracks.

The living world, around the same time

"Hey Chad, have you seen Uryu lately?" Ichigo asked feeling vaguely worried.

"Actually, I was just going to ask you the same thing." Chad answered in his usual sober tone.

"Hey Ichigo, Chad!" Orihime waved as she ran up to them. "Have either of you seen Uryu? I ripped my gym shirt and I wanted to ask if he would sew it."

"We haven't seen him." Ichigo was frowning now.

"Oh." Orihime blinked slowly. "Come to think of it I didn't see him yesterday or the day before that. Do you think something happened to him, Ichigo?"

"I don't know, but I know someone who will." Ichigo said thinking of Kisuke.

"Mind if I tag along?" Chad asked.

"Che. Of course not." Ichigo answered easily. "You wanna come too Orihime?"

"Sure." Orihime answered with a smile.

Later at Urahara's Shop

"So you've misplaced your Quincy, eh?" Kisuke regarded them over the top of his fan.

"Don't act like we lost him like he's some kind of toy or something!" Ichigo scowled.

"We're really worried about him." Orihime added.

"Do you know where he is?" Chad asked.

Kisuke folded his fan and tapped it against his lips thoughtfully. "Honestly, I have no idea where Uryu might be."

Ichigo, Chad, and Orihime sweat dropped.

"But I'm sure I can find out." He added.

"You shouldn't play with people like that!" Ichigo grumbled.

"Now, now, Ichigo if I were 'playing with you' you'd know it." Kisuke said with a wicked gleam in his eye.

Ichigo turned pink and started stuttering.

Chad placed a hand on his shoulder. "He's just messing with your head."

Ichigo scowled at the older man. "Pervert."

Kisuke grinned at them. "I don't deny my vices."

Ichigo's eyebrow twitched spastically. Orihime and Chad just looked at each other.

"Are you gonna help us or not?" Ichigo growled.

Kisuke hid his smile behind his fan. "Give me a few hours and I'll find your missing Quincy."

"Will you quit calling him **my** Quincy?! Uryu belongs to himself!" Ichigo shouted at the retreating figure.

Kisuke smile widen perceptibly as he filed away that little detail for later.

Squad 5 training ground 2 hrs later

"Is that really all you've got?" Yumichika asked disdainfully as he surveyed the battered troops.

"Obviously this squad has been allowed to grow soft." Uryu adjusted his glassed with his two middle fingers.

"This is just sad and depressing." Kari shook her head. "Come on guys, we shall go forth and drown our disappointment in chocolate!"

"Chocolate?" They echoed as the captain pulled them along by their shirt sleeves.

"Two of us aren't as well versed in the art of inebriating ourselves." Kari looked pointedly at Yumichika.

"Next time, I, Yumichika the most beautiful man in Soul Society will teach you both the art of drinking whilst remaining sober." Yumichika said magnanimously.

"Sounds like a useful skill." Uryu flipped through their 'to do' list and added it to the bottom under 'teach recruits to dodge effectively.'

Kari and Yumichika sweat dropped at the size of the list. Ten pages. At least.

"It's going to take decades to do everything on that list." Yumichika muttered.

"No way, we can do all that in less than year, easy." Kari said cheerfully. "Don't forget we all have mad skills."

Uryu sweat dropped at his captain's use of slang.

At Squad 11

Ikkaku scowled as he searched for Yumichika. "Where the hell did that peacock run off to? Oi! Captain, you seen Yumichika around?"

Captain Zaraki shrugged his shoulder dismissively. "Find his spiritual pressure."

Ikkaku concentrated and soon found Yumichika's unique spiritual pressure. He flash stepped to his location at a chocolate shop, of all places.

"Oi! Where the hell have you been all day?" Ikkaku demanded.

"Yumichika does this person belong to you?" Kari asked curious.

"Captain Zaraki transferred me into squad 5." Yumichika answered. "This is my friend Ikkaku, squad 11 third seat."

Ikkaku found himself shaking hands with the girl. "I'm Yumichika's new captain, since you're friends with my third seat you can call me Kari."

"Uh…hi." Ikkaku blinked feeling overwhelmed by her perkiness. "Wait, did you say Captain **transferred** you?"

"Ikkaku you shouldn't make such an ugly face in front of Yumichika." Uryu broke in wearily. "He's liable to give us another lecture on beauty."

Yumichika sniffed in disdain. "I can't help it if you fail to appreciate my many beautiful qualities."

"Uryu I think Yumichika likes you." Kari said slyly.

"WHAT?" Uryu and Ikkaku bellowed in unison.

Yumichika sighed. "I can see why you might assume that, since Uryu possess a certain beauty himself it is only logical to assume that two such beautiful people would gravitate toward each other."

Ikkaku and Uryu sweat dropped. Kari just nodded as though he was making perfect sense.

"Poor Ikkaku." Kari patted his hand sympathetically. "He never had a chance."

Ikkaku sputtered indignantly. "What do you mean never had a chance?! Yumichika is MINE!"

"It's all so romantic!" Kari clasped her hands together over her heart.

"Oh, I agree." Uryu played along, one hand laid over his heart. "Such a bold declaration of love."

"I never knew you felt so strongly about me, Ikkaku." Yumichika said demurely. "After this all these years, this is just so sudden."

Ikkaku floundered and sputtered and couldn't find a thing to say.

"So you're finally making a move, huh?" Captain Zaraki said with a trademark grin.

"Hello Captain Zaraki." Kari pushed him into the sweet shop and offered him some chocolate candies.

Kenpachi held up the transfer order and said. "Pretty clever of you slip this in with my daily paperwork. If I hadn't heard Feathers yelling this morning I might not have noticed it."

Kari fed Kenpachi her chocolate cake when he started to speak again. "Let's face it. I need top people more than you do and with his zanpakuto fully released he may even surpass his little boyfriend Ikkaku."

"BOYFRIEND?" Ikkaku bellowed.

"Ikkaku you shouldn't hide your feelings, it only hurts your partner and before you know it he will have left you for another man." Uryu said sagely.

"Cake?" Kari offered Kenpachi another forkful.

Kenpachi snorted easily dismissing the attempted distraction. "What's all this about fully releasing his zanpakuto?"

"Do you know the name of Yumichika's zanpakuto?" Kari asked eating the cake.

"Fuji Kujaku." Ikkaku answered immediately.

"You're wrong." Uryu said confidently. "It's actually a kido based sword named Ruriiro Kujaku."

"What?!" Ikkaku asked dumfounded.

"Huh?" His captain echoed.

"For you!" Kari gives Uryu a chocolate chip cookie.

"Why does he get a cookie?" Yumichika frowns.

"He got the answer right therefore he gets a cookie." Kari explained as though it should be obvious.

Ikkaku glares at Yumichika accusingly. "You've been holding back on me! ALL THESE YEARS AND YOU HAVEN'T BEEN GIVING ME YOUR ALL?!"

"He would focus in on that." Kenpachi muttered eating a cookie absently.

Yumichika sweat dropped at his fuming counterpart. "How could I possibly be holding back when the entire squad knows kido based zanpakutos are taboo?"

"That's different! I'm you're partner!" Ikkaku growled.

"So you admit that Yumichika is your lover!" Uryu pounced in that statement.

"I didn't say that!" Ikkaku shouts.

"I think he's in denial." Kari says before ordering more chocolate cake.

"He's not in denial, he's just repressed." Kenpachi said watching the scene with mild amusement.

"I AM NOT REPRESSED!" Ikkaku's face was cherry red.

"What Ikkaku is trying to say is that while we share a beautiful bond he is not yet ready to take our relationship to the next phase in its evolution." Yumichika said earning a cookie for his beautiful use of big words.

"What he said." Ikkaku muttered one eyebrow twitching.

At Urahara's Shop

Ichigo scowled as he continued to fiddle with his now empty tea cup. "What the hell is taking him so long?"

"Aren't we impatient? Anxious to reclaim your lost Quincy?" Kisuke teased, face hidden by his hat and fan.

Chad put a hand on Ichigo's shoulder silently telling him to keep his cool. Orihime had spaced out completely so she didn't even notice Kisuke until Rukia dragged Renji into the room bickering the whole time.

"That injury needs to be properly treated!" Rukia insisted.

Renji scowled. "It's just a scratch! Slap a bandage on it and it'll be fine."

Rukia whipped out her sketch book and started flipping through it talking animatedly about blood poisoning and infections. Everyone sweat dropped when they saw her poorly made rabbit sketches that were more confusing than explanatory. Orihime quietly moved over by Renji and healed his arm during the outburst and subsequent picture show.

Kisuke cleared his throat. "As I was saying, I found your Quincy in the Soul Society."

"Wait a minute!" Ichigo jumped to his feet. "How did Uryu get to the Soul Society without using your gateway?"

Kisuke pulled a sheaf of papers out of his sleeve and flipped through them until he found what he was looking for. "Apparently someone in the science department has designed a type of physical conversion crest that functions in the same capacity as my conversion gateway."

They all stared at him not really sure what he was talking about.

"So…" Ichigo began. "Uryu can pass through regular soul gates now?"

"Bingo." Kisuke pulled three plain metal bracelets out of his sleeve. "I copied the design and altered it for each of your needs."

"They even have our names on them so we get mixed up." Orihime said clasping the bracelet on her wrist.

"So with these we can go to the Soul Society and get Uryu?" Chad said more than asked sounding perfectly calm.

"And we're in luck too!" Orihime chimed in. "Now that Rukia and Renji are here they can open a gate for us!"

Rukia frowned. "Why are we going to the Soul Society?"

"Uryu's there." Chad answered simply.

Renji frowned thoughtfully. "Why would Uryu be in the Soul Society, it doesn't make any sense."

"That's what we're going to find out." Ichigo said grimly.

At the chocolate shop

"I think they make a cute couple, don't you?" Kari said to Uryu.

"Of course." Uryu nibbled on a cookie. "They're practically glowing."

"I AM NOT GLOWING!" Ikkaku hollered turning an interesting shade of red.

Yumichika smirked and said something like, "Naturally."

"About this transfer." Kenpachi began.

"Aw, come on, you signed the papers already." Kari pouted. "Besides you already have a Lieutenant and a third seat."

"And I don't care." Kenpachi replied. "Find your own people."

"I really didn't want to say this, but here it is: our squad has more pretty people." Kari said with a perfectly straight face.

"You can't be serious." Kenpachi deadpanned.

"She has a point captain." Yumichika said seriously.

Ikkaku sweat dropped then scowled. "What about me? Who am I supposed to train with now?"

"He's missing you already." Uryu smirked.

"What are talking about?! You're both insane!" Ikkaku pointed at Uryu and Kari.

"I thought you knew that." Kari said un-offended.

"Perhaps, we should circulate a memo." Uryu clicked his pen and started thumbing through his list.

"Now, now. We don't want to frighten the troopers too much." Kari wagged her fork at him.

"There's no law that prevents us from training together." Yumichika added.

"And where am I supposed to get a new fifth seat?" Kenpachi asked a little peeved.

Kari opened her mouth to answer when Ichigo burst through the door. "Take him."

Ichigo zeroed in on Uryu and demanded. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Oh, there you are Uryu!" Orihime cheered.

"Hey." Chad said leaning against the doorframe.

"Uryu, what are you doing here?" Rukia demanded. "Do you know how worried everyone was?"

Renji stole a cookie from Ikkaku. "What's going on?"

Uryu smirked at him. "I've been promoted."

"Huh?" Was the collective reply.

"He made Lieutenant." Yumichika explained.

"What?" The newcomers stared in shock.

"And the substitute just got drafted into squad 11." Kari added with a smirk.

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!" Ichigo felt the vein in his forehead throbbing in agitation.

"Yumichika is my third seat now so you are going to take his place in squad 11." Kari answered him.

"Can she do that?" Rukia asked Renji.

Renji just shrugged. "How should I know?"

"You're a Lieutenant! You should know these things!" Rukia scolded him.

"You think Captain tells me these things?" Renji defended himself.

"I don't think any captain tells their Lieutenant these things." Uryu added helpfully.

"Keeps them out of trouble." Kenpachi agreed.

"Don't ignore me!" Ichigo scowled.

"Don't you want to join squad 11 and spar with Kenpachi?" Yumichika said, oh so innocently.

Kenpachi got that battle hungry look in his eye and launched himself at Ichigo. Ichigo panicked and took off running.

"So… anybody want cake?" Kari asked offering up a slice.

"I do." Renji and Orihime chorused.

Chad waited a minute longer before accepting a slice of cake. Rukia decided to follow Ichigo just in case Kenpachi caught him this time.

"Hey, you guys want to join our squad?" Kari asked Chad and Orihime.

"Sure!" Orihime agreed immediately.

"I think I should stay close to Ichigo." Chad answered.

"Another new teammate for you Ikkaku!" Yumichika teased.

Ikkaku grunted and decided to play dirty. "Gloating makes your face wrinkle."

Yumichika's eyes widen and he whipped out a mirror to check his face. "How dare you mock my beauty?" Yumichika gave him a beautifully evil smile. "I'll make you pay for that."

Ikkaku made a dismissive noise. "What are you gonna do? Mess up my hair?"

"Bald people don't have hair." Yumichika replied smugly.

"I am not BALD!" Ikkaku snarled with flames dancing in his eyes.

"Then why don't you have any hair?" Kari asked genuinely curious.

"Because he's bald." Yumichika answered smugly.

"I'M NOT BALD, I shave!" Ikkaku protested vehemently.

"Anyway, we now have our fourth seat." Uryu said steering the conversation.

"I'm going to be fourth seat?" Orihime exclaimed happily.

"I guess that makes Ichigo and Chad the fourth and fifth seats in squad 11." Rukia said thoughtfully.

Renji smirked. "Which means that I out rank Ichigo."

"And everyone else except Uryu." Rukia said as realization dawned.

"Hey Rukia, is it, you want to transfer to my squad?" Kari asked enticingly. "You can be fifth seat."

Rukia blinked completely surprised by the offer. "I think I'll have to think about it."

"Come on Rukia, you can be fourth seat and I'll be fifth. We'll get to train together all the time, it'll be fun." Orihime said encouragingly.

"You'd be the same rank as Ichigo." Yumichika said as an added incentive.


	2. Chapter 2

"…" Yumichika and Uryu stared at enemy will identical looks of disbelief.

"Well what are you waiting for?" Captain Tsunami asked making a shooing motion. "Jump on it."

"Captain…?" Uryu began trying to find the right words.

"This is stupid." Yumichika said bluntly.

"I know that, never-the-less, it is our mission." The captain replied blithely.

"The weakest student in the academy could defeat this thing." Yumichika protested.

"A six year old with a sling shot could defeat this thing." Uryu groused.

"You still have to defeat it. The Head Captain is not as 'confident' in our skills as I am." Kari air quoted the word confident. "I think Captain Kuchiki is just pissed about Rukia."

"You think Captain Kuchiki is influencing Captain Yamamoto's decisions." Uryu asked speculatively.

"Of course he is, everyone knows he made a deal with Captain Ukitaki to keep her from being seated." Yumichika says eying the pathetic excuse for a hollow they'd been sent to deal with.

"He'll get over it." Kari shrugged then seeing the skeptical looks the Lieutenant and Third were giving added. "…eventually."

Uryu gave the creature a baleful look. "Sending three top-ranked reapers for this seems, for lack of a better word, stupid."

"They're just hoping something bigger will show up to eat us." Yumichika pouted.

"Well either way you slice it one of us has to deal with it." Captain Tsunami pushed Yumichika over in front of it. "So deal with it."

"Why me?" Yumichika huffed.

"Because we outrank you." Uryu smirked.

"There's no way I'm going near that thing!" Yumichika flash stepped back behind them.

"Fine, **I'll** do it. Geez if you wanted to see my zanpakuto you could have just asked." Kari grumbled drawing the sword. "Outshine the stars, Helios!"

A ring of light formed at the base of the sword and swirled upward. When the light vanished Captain Kari Tsunami was holding a straight edged saber with the kanji for 'Protector of Dreams' running down the blade. Kari walked up to the hollow or what passed for one these days and unceremoniously sliced through it.

"I feel so cheated." Yumichika sighed dramatically.

"I have to agree. I was looking forward to seeing the Captain in action." Uryu as they turned to leave.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

They pulled out their phone and smirked when it confirmed another, rather an _actual_, hollow nearby.

"Shall we, gents?" The Captain asked with renewed spirits.

Soul Society

"The art of drinking without becoming inebriated is simple." Yumichika began, pouring each of them a glass of sake. "First, you sip your sake slowly so as to enjoy the flavor and to prolong refills."

He demonstrated this by leisurely taking a drink of his sake as though he had all the time in the world.

"Second, when drinking in a group, distract your heavy drinkers with innuendo and playful banter." Yumichika slid in beside Ikkaku and said something that set the whole table rolling as he leisurely sipped from his glass.

"And finally, and I can't stress this enough, try to pick proportionally beautiful drinking mates." Yumichika deadpanned.

"Think we can handle all that?" Kari asked Uryu while idly taking a drink.

Uryu shrugged sipping from his glass. "I suppose so."

"So Yumichika, what were your plans for Ikkaku tonight?" Kari asked casting him a sly glance.

Yumichika leered as he took a small drink from his glass. "Wouldn't you like to know?"

"I'm sure we can guess." Uryu smiled into his glass.

"You're welcome to try." Yumichika murmured demurely.

"I'm sure we could come up with a few helpful ideas." Kari offered casually.

"More than a few I'd wager." Uryu added meaningfully.

Yumichika clucked his tongue. "I have everything under control."

Kari leaned forward feigning interest. "Is that so?"

"Please enlighten us." Uryu murmured resting his chin in his hand.

"Well… if you insist…" Yumichika leaned forward conspiratorially.

Four hrs. and six bottles of sake later

"My dear Captain, you are sorely mistaken." Uryu said sagely. "Cross hatch stitching is much faster than single or double stitches."

"For an _experienced_ seamstress or tailor maybe." Kari argued.

"Why do you even need to sew or crochet when you can _just buy anything you want_?" Yumichika huffed in exasperation.

Uryu's aura took on a sinister sheen, his eyes glinted dangerously and temperature dropped to an icy chill.

"We were talking about quality not quantity." Uryu snapped his words practically dripping with venom.

"Wow, Uryu is scary when you insult his hobbies." Kari said slightly impressed.

"And pretty." Yumichika said dazzled by how _utterly beautiful_ Uryu looked radiating malice and danger.

Across the room Ikkaku choked on his drink, spitting alcohol all over his drinking buddies.

Kari smirked at that deciding to play it up. "I just knew if I put the two of you together you'd fall in love with each other."

"How could I love someone who wants me to wear _store bought_ clothing?" Uryu asked clearly scandalized and repulsed.

"I'm sure Yumichika would change his mind if he saw some of your amazing work." Kari stepped in smoothly.

Yumichika seeing Ikkaku's shoulders tighten went along with her adding earnestly. "I know anything made by you would be beyond compare."

Uryu eyed him suspiciously then seeing the teasing glint in Kari's eye decided to play it out. "Naturally, my skill is unparalleled, but I'm in desperate need of model worthy of my artistic skill."

Ikkaku appeared abruptly beside Yumichika scowling as he clambered into the chair opposite Uryu.

Objective reached, Uryu and the captain resumed their previous argument. Ikkaku tossed back a bottle of sake while keeping tabs on Yumichika.

One hr. and five or six bottles later

"It's all that traitor's fault." Captain Tsunami was telling Captain Zaraki. "They're completely worthless. Worse than academy rejects."

"Hn." Zaraki downed another bottle which caused the buzzed Captain to snatch up his collar lean in closer.

"Are you listening to me?" Kari demanded poking him in the chest repeatedly.

"Hn." Was the only answer she got, which was as they say was the wrong thing to say.

"Don't you take that tone with me mister!" Kari snapped at him completely pissed off for no apparent reason.

Uryu watched with rapt attention as his captain proceeded to tell the "upstart" that even if she had gone straight from the academy into the captainship she was way more than capable of doing the job. And when Zaraki replied with another "hn". It was apparently the straw that broke the camel's back because the next thing he knew Captain Tsunami had snatched off one his gloves slapped Captain Zaraki with it and challenged the man to a duel. So being the responsible Lieutenant he was he naturally offered her another glass of sake which she immediately latched onto, downed, and shoved back under his nose for a refill. Just as she finished off the glass Captain Zaraki spoke.

"No one uses white gloves anymore." He deadpanned.

Now Uryu who was the owner of said glove was naturally infuriated at the slight and Kari who had briefly commandeered said glove was also pissed off. Which resulted in one Yumichika being thoroughly enraptured, one Ikkaku sulking like a child, one Captain Zaraki getting an earful on either side, and a bar full of thoroughly entertained patrons.

Two hrs. and … a lot of sake later

Kenpachi and Yumichika watched with poorly hidden amusement as Ikkaku was forced into an admittedly well-made dress. Though try as they might the newly appointed captain and lieutenant could not seem to get the red ringlet wig on his head.

"Uryu there's something wrong with our plan." Kari muttered as they once again failed in their attempt to capture the bald man.

"We just need him to hold still a minute…" Uryu grumbled eyeing the surprisingly slippery man.

"No we don't." Kari said slowly turning back to the table with an evil smile. "We just need reinforcements."

"Of course." Uryu's eyes lit up as he also turned back to the table eyeing their prey er… reinforcements.

Kari skipped over to the table and said in a singsong voice. "Yumichika, Captain Zaraki, wouldn't you like to come play with us?"

Yumichika seemed a bit taken aback by his commander's carefree invitation slash demand. Kenpachi on the other hand just went with it. Between the three of them they had Ikkaku pinned and wigged in seconds flat. Yumichika could only try to stifle his laughter at the sight of his former teammate resplendent as the noonday sun in a 15th century English ball gown made of highest quality crimson silk coupled with the auburn wig and Ikkaku's scowling face. It was priceless.

The next morning

"Come on everybody! Rise and Shine!" Captain Tsunami cried flipping Yumichika out of his bed.

"How can you be so cheerful?" Yumichika asked staggering into the washroom to splash water on his aching head.

"Because I had a great drinking instructor." Captain Tsunami beamed at him.

"You should be proud of your pupils." Uryu said also sounding disturbingly unaffected.

"And ashamed of myself." Yumichika muttered sourly.

"If you keep making that face it'll get stuck that way." Uryu advised on his way out.

"And Ikkaku won't love you no more." Captain called back tauntingly.

Yumichika glared at their retreating forms before schooling his face into a more becoming look.

Training ground

Rukia and Orihime paused in their training to watch the Captain and her top two "torture the troopers" as they were so fond of saying. At first glance it looked like the "troopers" were doing just fine. In no more than fifteen minutes, both girls were feeling what could only be described as astonished horror. There were first year Academy students in better shape than most of the squad.

"I used to wonder why someone would risk ticking off Captain Zaraki just to recruit a third seat, but now I'm just shocked she didn't try raid the other squads." Rukia told Orihime.

"Actually, Uryu said that the troops were improving a lot." Orihime replied. "He said when they first took over most of them couldn't even qualify for the Academy."

Rukia's mouth fell open in shock. "_That's_ progress?"

"When Uryu told me about the first few days of training I was sure he was joking, but now I see that wasn't the case." Orihime continued.

"Hey you two!" Captain Tsunami called waving them over.

Rukia and Orihime pointed at themselves as if to say "us?"

"You get take the troopers on a nice little run." Yumichika replied with a smirk.

"You should run for 10 miles at least to optimize conditioning." Uryu called over his shoulder.

"Hey, wait!" Rukia yelled coming to her senses. "Where are you going?"

"Mission two!" Captain called with cheerful wave.

"Good luck, we'll take care of things while you're gone!" Orihime called waving encouragingly.

Rukia heaved a defeated sigh then turned toward the troops resolutely.

Mission Two

"…"

"…"

"…"

"This is an insult to our skills." Uryu ground out clearly irritated.

"I'm inclined to agree there is no excuse for this." Yumichika frowned.

"… as sad as they are even the troopers could have handled this... easily" Captain Tsunami added eyes clearly reflecting her displeasure. "Beware the wrath of Kuchiki."

Yumichika and Uryu made sounds of agreement.

"Since we're here… show me Urahara's shop!" Captain Tsunami cried regaining her cheer.

"We may as well." Uryu muttered. "It's not as though we have anything better to do."

"We're going shopping?" Yumichika asked interest renewed.

"Why not?" The Captain said airily. "It's not as though we're in demand right now."

"As long as we're here, I have a few sewing supplies to pick up." Uryu said flipping through his notes to find the list.

"Sewing supplies?" Yumichika asked in an "are you serious?" tone of voice.

"Uryu's going to give our squad a new look." Kari told him amused by his look of disbelief.

"As tempting as it would be to outfit the entire squad in traditional Quincy battle regalia," Uryu said guessing his thoughts. "I have something different in mind."

Yumichika looked unconvinced. "As long as it highlights my natural beauty, I could care less."

Urahara's shop

"Somehow, I expected better." Kari said shaking her head.

"You're not the only one." Yumichika sniffed disdainfully.

"It's always something of a letdown." Uryu added cleaning his lenses.

"Well, well, well. I seem to be popular today." Kisuke said making his presence known.

Kari gave him a skeptic look. "This is the scientific genius that pissed of Mayuri by improving his converter bracelet?"

"The one and only." Kisuke said taking a bow.

"He's surprisingly skilled despite his appearance." Uryu confirmed.

Kisuke hid his smirk behind his trademark fan. "Why don't you join us for tea?"

"How did you manage to get away from Captain Zaraki?" Yumichika's voice floated back from the next room.

"I didn't." Ichigo scowled. "If Toshiro hadn't shown up with a mission I'd be toast."

"And you took your boyfriend along for protection?" Kari asked with a wicked gleam in her eye.

Ichigo and Renji spewed tea halfway across the table.

"And here I was thinking Uryu and Ichigo were sneaking around behind my back." Kisuke couldn't resist teasing his pupil.

"Actually," Uryu began in a completely serious tone. "Renji is mine."

Ichigo swallowed his tea wrong and began to choke.

"I thought you wanted to wait?" Renji asked surprised.

"I can't have over imaginative perverts" Uryu glanced significantly at Kisuke. "gossiping all over the Soul Society."

"It's common knowledge that Ichigo is sleeping with Urahara." Yumichika said feigning boredom.

"WHAT?" Ichigo shouted springing to his feet. "Who told you that?"

"And here I was told the substitute was dating Rukia." Kari mused.

"I have it on good authority that Ichigo is seeing Orihime." Uryu interjected.

"No, you're all wrong. Ichigo is sleeping with Kisuke. It's common knowledge." Renji said easily dismissing their claims.

"Ichigo isn't sleeping with anyone and I would know!" Ichigo snapped feeling furious and completely embarrassed.

"That could change." Kisuke purred sneaking in an opportune grope.

"KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF PERVERT!" Ichigo shrieked flash stepping across the room.

"Aww! He's shy!" Kari cooed at the fuming substitute.

"I'd wager Ichigo is the type that likes to be chased." Yumichika said sipping his tea.

"You're wrong." Uryu said knowingly. "Ichigo isn't one to run from anything. Once he gets something into that thick skull of his he pursues it single-mindedly."

"Not unlike someone else you know." Kisuke said giving Renji a pointed look.

"Che. I know what I like." Renji muttered coloring slightly.

"There goes all my plans for Yumichika and Uryu…" Kari sighed wistfully then turning to Uryu said. "We'll just have to focus on making Ikkaku admit his feelings."

"Naturally." The Quincy agreed adding that to their "to do" list.

"I've been toying with the idea of sending the troopers over to squad 11 for some intensive training." Kari announced wanting some input.

"You think they'd _survive_?" Yumichika asked in disbelief.

"It would certainly improve the survivors." Uryu answered thoughtfully.

"They can't be that bad." Ichigo said taking a seat as far away from Kisuke as humanly possible.

"I've seen the exercise drills." Renji commented dryly. "They're that bad."

"I hardly think exposure to Kenpachi will improve their overall performance." Kisuke said tapping his fan against his lips thoughtfully.

"I bet you could come up with a regime to whip them into shape." Kari said slyly. "And I'm sure Kenpachi wouldn't mind if you tested it out on Ichigo."

"What?!" Ichigo snapped. "You can't just make promises about me!"

"I'm sure if we hint to Captain Zaraki that it would make Ichigo a stronger opponent he would readily agree." Uryu said flipping through his notes coping down the relevant information for Kisuke.

Kisuke began flipping through Uryu's notes becoming more and more thoughtful. "If these figures are accurate this may take a while."

Renji and Ichigo started reading over Uryu's shoulder. "Uryu please tell me you're exaggerating these numbers." Ichigo murmured.

"I knew it was bad, but I had no idea how bad." Renji said looking over the numbers.

Two weeks later, Squad 5 training ground

Rukia looked over the training regime Urahara had come up with.

"This is crazy!" Rukia squawked. "There is no way _I_ could do all this let alone these clowns!"

"If we put our minds to it we can do anything!" Orihime said looking over the plans. "We really have to do all these things?"

"According to Urahara," Captain Tsunami explained. "if we divide the regime into these three phases we can have the troopers fighting on the same level as the other squads."

"But this plan says it's a one month intensive course." Rukia protested.

"Well, can't we just stretch it out for a few more months?" Orihime asked still looking through the plans. "Hey look!" She points to some fine print near the bottom. "It says how to space out the training for unseated soul reapers."

"Eh?" Rukia grabbed the paper scanning the paper quickly. "Oh. Well this might work…"

"There you see all is not lost." Captain said cheerfully. "I will of course expect all my seated officers to adhere to the seated officers training regime."

"_What_?" Rukia cried feeling harassed.

"We really have to do all this?" Orihime asked not really sure if she was serious.

"Of course. Myself, Uryu, and Yumichika as well." Captain Tsunami answered in a serious tone. "This squad has been bellow standard for far too long. It's time we return it to its former glory."

"C-captain?" Rukia and Orihime murmured as the Captain swept out of the division building.

Mission Three

"Captain Kuchiki is the source of all evil." Kari muttered sourly.

"I'm starting to think the Head Captain has a personal grudge against us." Yumichika muttered angrily.

"I'm beginning to suspect a conspiracy." Uryu glowered at the spot where their latest pathetic excuse for a mission had been."

"I told the Old Man to take our squad off mission ready status." Kari announced gravely.

"You did what?" Yumichika growled.

"So you were serious the other day." Uryu said more than asked.

The newly appointed captain nodded her confirmation. "We're implementing Urahara's training regime."

"For the entire squad?" Yumichika said not sure how he felt about that idea.

"We'll be taking the officers speed course then we're going back to basics. I for one am tired of these so called 'missions'." Kari said coldly.

"On that we are all agreed." Yumichika said darkly.

"Lock down." Uryu murmured with grim satisfaction.


	3. Chapter 3

Division 5

"Holy crap…" Orihime struggled to regain her breath.

"I thought… I thought… I was in better… shape." Rukia wheezed clutching her side.

"No slacking off you two!" Uryu called throwing them a stern glance.

"This is inglorious." Yumichika grumbled without stopping.

"Just remember we only have a week left. The troopers have two more months." Kari reminded them.

"If we survived this long" Orihime said finally getting her second wind. "one more week won't kill us."

"It will be worth it to get back to mission status." Rukia added with renewed determination.

Two weeks later

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Rukia screeched hitting Renji over the head with her sketch pad before flipping it open to show him a series of pictures in which poorly drawn rabbits were doing exercises. "Can't you see we're in lock down?"

"He's looking for me." Uryu said appearing next to the abused redhead.

"Eh?" Rukia looked from one to the other confused. "Why would he need to talk to you?"

"I can't miss my boyfriend?" Renji huffed feeling much abused.

Rukia's mind went kaput trying to process that last word. Uryu adjust his glasses before giving the agitated red head a well-earned kiss. They pulled apart when there was an alarming thump nearby. Orihime was staring at them open mouthed a pile of practice swords at her feet. Rukia seemed to finally snap back to reality.

"You should probably tell Ichigo and Ikkaku that we're in lock down." Uryu told Renji with a half-smile half smirk.

"And Captain Kuchiki!" Captain Tsunami and Yumichika yelled.

"Captain giving you guys a hard time." Renji grinned knowingly.

"I never knew my brother could hold a grudge so well." Rukia confessed.

"He's like an evil genius." Orihime added seriously.

"Uryu tell your boyfriend he can come back later, we've got training to do!" The Captain hollered.

"Unless you like Kuchiki approved missions!" Yumichika taunted.

Uryu, Rukia and Orihime all grimaced.

"Well, I'll see you later, honey." Renji taunted his boyfriend copping a feel.

"Did you just see what I just saw?" Yumichika asked the Captain eyes wide.

"I think you just saw what I just saw." Kari muttered surprised by the PDA.

Orihime recovered from her shock first gathering up the practice swords and dragging Rukia back toward the trainees.

Three days later

"Where the hell have you been?" Ikkaku screeched fuming.

The corners of Yumichika's lips twitched up into a half-smile. "Training."

Ikkaku scowled at his former teammate. "You're being deliberately obtuse!"

Yumichika widen his eyes and brought his hand over his heart dramatically. "Me? I would never _dream_ of such things."

"Dream of what things?" Orihime asked hearing the tail end of their exchange.

"You were dreaming?" Chad asked pausing beside his red haired friend.

"Not me, Yumichika was or maybe Ikkaku." Orihime answered.

"What were Yumichika and Ikkaku doing?" Ichigo asked hearing part of what she said.

"Dreaming." Chad answered.

"Ikkaku was dreaming of Yumichika?" Uryu said joining their group.

"Ikkaku's been a bad boy." Captain Tsunami couldn't resist teasing.

"So it was one of those dreams." Rukia said snickering.

"Eh?" Ichigo looked at his friend confused.

"Ikkaku was having wet dreams about Yumichika." Chad told Ichigo to clarify.

Ikkaku by this point had turned scarlet and immediately began to shout denials.

"Was he still on the closet?" Orihime asked Yumichika innocently.

"You mean _in_ the closet." Uryu corrected her.

"I always wondered why Ikkaku wasn't more public about their relationship." Rukia said with a sly smirk. "I thought he was just shy."

Ikkaku sputtered and cursed unable to form coherent sentences.

"Ikkaku's not shy he's just afraid someone will go after Yumichika." Ichigo said with a shrug.

"Yumichika is very popular." Orihime added. "the acting Captain for squad 9 is in love with him."

"Hisagi?" Yumichika waved his hand dismissively. "That's just puppy love."

"Looks like Ikkaku has competition." Chad said soberly.

"Man. Ikkaku doesn't have a chance." Ichigo said shaking his head.

"What you mean?" Rukia asked curiously.

"Yumichika likes pretty stuff." Ichigo explained. "Even I can see that Hisagi is prettier than Ikkaku."

"You think Hisagi is pretty?" Yumichika asked seeing an opening.

Ichigo flush. "I didn't mean it like that!"

"How did you mean it?" Orihime asked obliviously.

"I thought Ichigo was dating Urahara." Rukia said surprised.

"I am NOT DATING Hat and Clogs." Ichigo growled doing his best tomato imitation.

"But you want to date Hisagi?" Yumichika said teasingly.

"I DON'T THINK OF HIM LIKE THAT!" Ichigo shouted.

"Which him?" Captain Tsunami rejoined the conversation.

"Yeah, which one Ichigo." Rukia pestered crowding him.

"Well, Ichigo?" Uryu said advancing on him.

Ichigo was totally starting to panic at this point.

"I thought this was a lock down." Captain Zaraki said seeming to appear out of nowhere.

Ichigo saw an escape and took it. "Hey Kenpachi, let's spar!"

Squad 4 recovery room

"Thanks Hanataro." Ichigo said wearily.

"I hate to pry… but don't you usually avoid Captain Zaraki." Hanataro asked.

"Yeah well… I was trapped and it was the only way out I could think of." Ichigo said climbing to a sitting position. "I'm just glad you weren't on patrol in the living world. No offense but your Captain scares me a little."

"Don't feel bad." Hanataro replied comfortingly. "Even the Head Captain is a little afraid of Captain Unohana."

"Hey Hanataro?" Ichigo began a little sheepishly.

"Hmm?" Hanataro answered neatly putting away his supplies.

"Does everyone… does everyone really think I'm dating Kisuke?" Ichigo asked staring at the wall cheeks lightly flushed.

Hanataro blushed. "Well… I have been hearing some rumors…"

Ichigo rubbed his hand across his face tiredly. "If that's not bad enough now my friends all think I have the hots for Hisagi."

"Hisagi?" Hanataro stopped dead.

"We were talking about Ikkaku and Yumichika. Then Orihime said something about Hisagi being in love with Yumichika. Then I said between the two Yumichika would pick Hisagi because he's prettier than Ikkaku." Ichigo grumbled as he explained.

"Yumichika is known for his love of beautiful things…" Hanataro agreed. "I just hope Acting Captain Izura doesn't hear about it."

"Kira? Why?" Ichigo asked. "Don't tell me, they're together right?"

"Miss Matsumoto was on the division for a week when she 'got too friendly' with Hisagi." Hanataro told him in all seriousness.

"Shit." Ichigo muttered. "Kira is one soul reaper I _don't_ want to cross."

Hanataro nodded in agreement.

"Do me a favor and stick around." Ichigo said clamoring to his feet. "I got a feeling I might be seeing a lot of this place."

Squad 5

"I can't believe he volunteered to fight with Zaraki." Rukia kept staring off toward the squad 11 training area.

"Alright peoples enough socializing." Kari said shooing them off. "The troopers aren't going to train themselves."

"Since Ikkaku is already here we might as well make use of him." Yumichika said smirking.

"The men have been sorely unmotivated." Uryu murmured sparing them a glance.

"Hey!" Ikkaku protested as the petite Captain proceeded to push him over to said troopers and thrust the regime outline into his capable hands.

"Jump on it!" Kari smirked pointing at the miserable and now apprehensive troops.

"Fine." Ikkaku gritted his teeth and started barking orders at the "troopers."

"Now that that's taken care of…" Kari said dusting of her hands. "Let's start working on flash release."

"Captain Soi Fon will not be pleased." Uryu said with a grin.

"Who said anything about pleasing her?" Kari said with a carefree wave. "Squad 2 dabbles at using flash release that's why she wears a different uniform. They haven't figured out how to use flash release without blowing away half their uniform."

"We'll just have to master it then. Or the Quincy will murder us in our sleep." Yumichika added thoroughly amused.

Division 3

"Say again?" Kira said with deceptive calm.

"Ichigo has a thing for Hisagi… thinks he's pretty." Renji shrugged. "That's what Rukia tells me leastwise."

Kira made a noncommittal noise. "If you'll excuse me Renji, I have some things to attend to."

"Yeah, sure. See ya." Renji said slipping out the window.

Kira concentrated his senses and located the substitute soul reaper. A few quick flash steps later and he was standing a few paces in front of the startled youth.

"Shit." Ichigo said when Kira appeared in front of him. "I don't know what you heard but it's all lies."

Kira pulled his Zanpakuto free. "Raise your head, Wabisuke."

"Damn it all!" Ichigo cursed grabbing Zangetsu. "Can't we talk about this?"

"No." Kira answered swinging his blade.

Squad 4 recovery room

"So you told him you were dating Kisuke Urahara?" Hanataro asked wrapping his arm.

"I had to." Ichigo muttered running a hand through his hair. "That damn Wabisuke made Zangetsu so heavy I couldn't lift it then he started in on me. I think working with that bastard Ichimaru all those years rubbed off on him."

"You know Urahara's going to hear about this." Hanataro told him taping the pieces together.

"I know." Ichigo groan burying his head in his hands. "That damn grabby pervert will be all over me when I get home."

Hanataro did not envy Ichigo at the moment. Getting into back to back fights with Zaraki and Izura. Days like this made him glad to be a part of squad 4.

Squad 5

"You want to stay here for the rest of our lock down?" Captain Tsunami asked him skeptically.

"Yeah." Ichigo said rubbing the back of his head nervously.

"Okay." Captain Tsunami shrugged walking off.

Ichigo breathed a sigh of relief thankful that he wouldn't have to see Zaraki, Kira, and most of all Kisuke.

"Hey Ichigo!" Renji called landing next to the disgruntled teen.

"Oh, hey Renji." Ichigo greeted him half-heartedly.

"What's wrong with you?" Renji frowned at him.

"It's been a long week." Ichigo answered.

"Che. I know what'll make ya feel better." Renji slapped him on the shoulder. "Bankai training."

Ichigo grinned at that. "Let's do it!"

Last day of lock down

"You know those guys are really looking good now." Ichigo commented to Renji.

"Yeah. They were beyond sorry before this lock down." Renji said agreeing.

"I actually like the new uniforms too." Ichigo observed. "They're not nearly as baggy as the ones we got to wear."

"Yeah, they're a lot easier to maneuver in and having white uniforms with the squad number in red makes it real hard to confuse them." Renji added as they continued to admire his boyfriends' work.

"I like that they all have the squad sigil on the left shoulder. Usually, you only see it on the Lieutenant badges and that just makes it confusing." Ichigo added.

"You know the Captain's hoari kind of looks like that black thing you wear in bankai form." Renji observed.

"Except for being red." Ichigo agreed. "I wonder if Uryu embroidered the squad number on the back himself or if he had someone else do it."

"I handled all the seated officers myself and had a sewing circle I'm familiar with handle the rest." Uryu said appearing behind them.

Ichigo and Renji jumped like kids caught with their hands in the cookie jar.

"Hey, why is your uniform is so different?" Ichigo asked frowning.

"As a Quincy it is only fitting that I retain my traditional battle regalia with a few minor modifications." Uryu explained since he was essentially wearing the same battle outfit only now the horizontal stripes were red, there was a red squad sigil and a blue Quincy cross on the left shoulder, and the squad number was embroidered on the back of his cape.

"Hey Ichigo." Rukia yelled to get his attention. "Captain Zaraki is headed this way."

"Shit!" Ichigo flash stepped away as quickly as he could.

"I better get back before Captain gets to missing me." Renji wrapped Uryu in a hug.

"You best hurry." Uryu said teasingly. "The Wrath of Kuchiki is no laughing matter."

Renji stole a kiss before flash stepping back to his division.

"Uryu you should really keep the PDA to a minimum around poor Yumichika." Kari said grinning. "You'll incite him into a jealous rage."

"Hardly." Yumichika rolled his eyes. "You'd have to do a lot more than that."

"So boys, what say we celebrate the end of retraining?" Kari said gleefully.

"Sake!" Yumichika smirked.

Living World

Ichigo snuck into his room grateful for the converter bracelet since he didn't have to leave his body with Urahara. "What a nightmare." Ichigo muttered falling onto his bed with a sigh. The last two months had been hectic. Training with Renji, dodging Kenpachi and Kira, and not to mention that awkward conversation with Hisagi. Ichigo heaved a sigh feeling put upon.

"Something the matter I-chi-go?"

Ichigo sat up so fast his head was literally spinning. There sitting in his window was Kisuke Urahara.

"Shit." Ichigo groaned falling back down.

"Tsk. Tsk. Ichigo." Was Kisuke's reply which sounded a lot closer than before.

Opening his eyes wearily he nearly yelped when he realized he was almost nose to nose with the man. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Now Ichigo." Kisuke purred. "That's no way to greet your lover."

Ichigo's eyes widened like saucers and he tried to stutter out a denial. Kisuke grinned wickedly before descending to claim his welcome home kiss.

At the bar

"Uryu, you could be a fashion mogul." Kari told him sipping at her sake.

"You've certainly got the talent." Yumichika added smoothing out his uniform.

"I can work on it between missions or on missions depending on who assigns them." Uryu said dryly.

"Let's toast and wish for better missions!" Orihime suggested confusing traditions.

"Okay!" Rukia chirped already three sheets to the wind.

"Should we have stopped her?" Yumichika asks after the toast.

"Probably." Kari sighed opening a new bottle.

"We'll just keep an eye on her." Uryu waved away their concern.

"Works for me." Yumichika said savoring his sake.

"Heads up." Kari nodded indicating Ikkaku was there.

"What strategy should we use today?" Uryu muttered cupping his chin.

"Uryu why doesn't your boyfriend ever sit with you when we drink?" Rukia asked him suddenly curious.

"Yeah, how come?" Orihime asked because it was a good question.

"I didn't even see him." Kari scanned the bar. "He's not even here!"

"Our relationship only became public knowledge before the lock down. There was hardly time for socializing." Uryu explained unperturbed.

"He should make time!" Rukia exclaimed whipping out her trusty sketchbook to show them all pictures of two bunnies surrounded by hearts and sparkles presumably on some kind of date the detail were a little fuzzy, literally. "And Hanataro always takes time to check on me!" She finished her rant.

"Hanataro?" Orihime said confused. "I thought we were talking about Renji?"

"What about Renji?" Renji said dragging a chair over.

"Oh, hi Renji!" Orihime beamed at him. "Did you know that Hanataro is making time with Rukia?"

Everyone at the table choked and spewed sake everywhere. Yumichika banged on Rukia's back in an effort to quiet her choking.

"What?" Renji gaped at her.

"That's what Rukia said." Orihime replied innocently.

Kari coughed. "What Orihime was trying to say is that Hanataro always makes time FOR Rukia."

"Oh… uh… that's nice…" Renji said feeling less perturbed.

"That's so cute!" Orihime squealed suddenly.

The others exchanged 'huh?' looks.

"Look Rukia, Renji is spending time with Uryu just like you said he should!" Orihime said.

Yumichika and Kari blinked slowly before shaking their heads. Renji gave Uryu a questioning look. Uryu lifted his shoulders as if to say 'I can only imagine'.

"So," Uryu cleared his throat. "what's our plan?"

"You could get mad and make him jealous, but I don't think your boyfriend would like that very much." Kari said taking the red head into account.

"Hmm…" They all turned their eyes toward the unsuspecting bald man.

Five hours … and many … many bottles of sake later

"I've got it!" Rukia exclaimed. "Hisagi is in love with Yumichika. They could date to make him jealous."

"If you want Kira to kill Yumichika." Ichigo snorted stealing Renji's sake and downing it.

"I heard you spent a few days in squad 4." Chad said joining the group.

"Few days my ass!" Ichigo scowled. "Between Kenpachi and Kira, I spent three weeks in squad 4. Hanataro sewed me up twice in the same week."

"Hey, Ichigo did you know-" Orihime began only to be interrupted.

"Rukia's dating Hanataro." Renji, Uryu, Yumichika, and Kari all said at the same time.

Ichigo looked at them like they were crazy. Kari hid a smile by taking a drink of sake. And that is when inspiration hit.

"Ichigo is the answer." Kari said sitting down her glass.

"Me?" "Him?" They chorused.

Yumichika seemed to be the first to get a handle on her dastardly plan because he sent Ichigo a smile that gave him the chills.

"Urahara." Uryu said when everything clicked into place.

Rukia choked on her sake as it dawned on her.

"You're going to involve Urahara in this?" Renji asked thinking that maybe they were going a tad too far.

"Involve Urahara in what?" Kenpachi asked seeming to pop out of nowhere.

"How does he do that?" Kari hissed enviously at Yumichika.

"I don't know. They don't tell me these things." Yumichika replied sounding just as disgruntled.

"Ninja bastard." They muttered glowering at the squad 11 captain.

Oblivious to this Kenpachi listen as Orihime tried to explain the plan. "So now Urahara is going to help Yumichika convince Hanataro to date Rukia."

"…" Everyone was silent for several minutes.

"No, no, no!" Rukia ranted. "That's all wrong! I'm already dating Hanataro, we're trying to get Ichigo to date Urahara for Renji."

"What?" Renji choked out. "That makes no sense! We were talking about Yumichika."

"What they're trying to say is that they want me to get Urahara to get Ikkaku to date Yumichika." Ichigo explained being the least inebriated.

"Ichigo is so smart!" Kari beamed at him. "Here!"

Ichigo blinked at the cookie that had been thrust under his nose.

"Why does he get a cookie?" Yumichika whined.

"Because… um…" Kari tapped her finger against her chin trying to remember. "Here."

Yumichika clapped his hands together and cheered when his captain whipped out another cookie. Kenpachi watched with one raised brow as the former squad 11 member proceeded to rub the cookie against his cheek cooing like an idiot.

"This is a good cookie!" Ichigo said with his mouth full.

Kari clapped her hand together and looked at him with sparkles in her eyes. "You really think so, Ichi-chan?"

"Yeah, is good!" Ichigo said cramming the rest of the cookie in his mouth.

Kenpachi turned his gaze to the table and began tallying the empty bottles. Tomorrow was going to be a long day.


	4. Chapter 4

Living World

Ichigo released a sigh as the eyed the shop with something akin to dread. Not that he was afraid of Kisuke per se… just a little… uh… discomfited. Taking a deep breath he shored up his courage and crossed the threshold. He could do this. He reached for the door and … hesitated… maybe… he couldn't do this… Ichigo stared at the door for a long, long, long time. One the hand, Kisuke was in there. On the other, he promised to talk to him… but either way you slice it Kisuke was in there… Not that he was scared to see him or anything. It's not like he couldn't take the man… unless… he played dirty… Ichigo seriously considered turning back. Even his inner hollow was on the fence when it came to the eccentric shop owner. Ichigo lost his chance to escape when the door opened to reveal Kisuke casually fanning himself.

"Good morning I-chi-go." Kisuke smirked at him.

"…uh hi…" Ichigo coughed and tried to collect himself. "Um… listen I kinda… need a favor…" He mumbled rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

"All you have to do is ask…" Kisuke said sliding dangerously closer.

Ichigo gulped but managed to stand his ground. "Uh… well… you know that new Captain… her whole squad has some kind of strange mission to get Yumichika and Ikkaku together and… well… they kind of…"

"I see." Kisuke stroked his chin thoughtfully. "How to get Ikkaku to admit his feelings. Challenging."

"Yeah." Ichigo said feeling totally awkward.

Kisuke's eyes wandered back to the fidgety young man. "Of course, I never work for free."

Ichigo froze in his retreat. He was officially in trouble. Kisuke smirked as he advanced on the substitute soul reaper.

Living World across town

"Would you hold still?" Yumichika snarled at the retreating hollow.

"Well, you can't say they didn't give us a more challenging mission." Uryu commented from his place on the sidelines.

"The hangover doesn't help." Captain Tsunami replied dryly.

"I think that was our personal best." Uryu replied rubbing his temples.

"Yumichika too." Captain Tsunami said watching him dispatch the hollow.

"Now we can leave-" Yumichika began when their cellphones all pinged.

"So much for that." They muttered heading out to deal with the new threat.

A few miles away

Rukia rolled out from behind Orihime's shield and sliced through the hollow's mask.

"Thank goodness." Orihime said scrubbing her eyes.

"If that thing screamed one more time my head would explode." Rukia said through clenched teeth.

"I don't think we should go drinking anymore." Orihime confided as they stepped through the gateway.

"I think that's the best idea you've had yet." Rukia said seriously making a beeline for Division 4. "I hope Hanataro isn't on assignment."

Living World

"Hey, Uryu." Captain Tsunami called.

"Yes?" Uryu asked firing rapid shots.

"When did Ichi-chan get here?" Captain Tsunami asked deflecting a blow.

"I came from Kisuke's." Ichigo snarled offing another hollow.

"Is he in?" Yumichika grunted with the force of the blow.

"Yeah." Ichigo lobbed off the hollow's arm.

Division 5

"If I didn't know better I'd think Kuchiki told them we were coming." Kari muttered.

"I don't put anything past that man." Yumichika growled darkly.

"It's certainly one hell of a coincidence." Uryu's eyes flashed behind his glasses.

"Run into some trouble?" Kenpachi grinned manically.

The three spun around leveling their weapons at him.

"Not really a good time, Kenpachi." Ichigo said grimly.

"Oh?" Kenpachi's grin widened.

"You missed out." Yumichika told him sheathing his blade. "We ran through a whole swarm of hollows."

Uryu and Kari grabbed Ichigo and left the former teammates to compare notes.

"So when does Urahara set his plan into motion?" Kari asked as they hustled him over to the squad barracks.

"It's already in motion." Ichigo scowled scrubbing his face.

"So now we just sit back and watch?" Uryu asked cleaning his glasses.

"Kisuke said to tell you to enjoy." Ichigo muttered.

"Been visiting your boyfriend Ichigo?" Renji snickered wrapping an arm around Uryu.

Ichigo turn red and scowled thunderously. "Like you got room to talk!"

Division 11

"Good morning, Chad!" Orihime called waving enthusiastically.

"Morning, Orihime." Chad answered.

"Do you like your new squad?" Orihime asked happy to see him.

"It's fine."

"I really like our new squad!" Orihime continued enthusiastically. "Rukia and I get to go pick all our new seats after the lock down."

"That's nice." Chad said listening attentively. "Do you want to go for tea?"

"That would be great!" Orihime cheered latching onto the silent man's arm. "There is a really nice shop that sells chocolate and the tea is really good too!"

"Okay." Chad followed her lead.

Living World

Kisuke prowled around his lab with a self-satisfied smirk. Playing with the substitute was quickly becoming his favorite pastime. Especially, when Ichigo blushed like that. His eyes gleamed wickedly. The boy was making it too easy for him. Not that he was complaining…

Chocolate shop

Ichigo got a sudden chill. Looking around quickly, he shrugged off his paranoia.

"These are the best cookies." Kari said chewing happily.

"They certainly are addictive." Uryu polished off his glass of milk and ordered another.

"Chocolate is the heart of seductive beauty." Yumichika sighed dreamily.

Ichigo choked on his cookie. "When did you get here?"

"We've been here." Kenpachi answered stealing Kari's cookie.

Kari stared at her empty hand for a long moment. "Uryu…"

"Captain?" Uryu accepted a new glass of milk.

"Loan me your glove." Kari said eying the cookie thief.

"You're not serious." Ichigo said in disbelief. "You're not actually gonna challenge Kenpachi."

"He stole my cookie." Kari said darkly.

"It's just one cookie, there's a whole plate here." Ichigo argued.

"Shut up, Ichigo!" Renji scowled at him. "I want to see that new shikai release."

"Eh?" Ichigo looked around confused.

"Just one? I have four." Kari rolled her eyes stealing a cookie.

There was a round of coughing and hacking around the table.

"F-f-four?" Uryu wheezed eyes wide.

Renji, Yumichika, and Ichigo stared in open-mouthed shock. Even Kenpachi looked a little impressed.

"You think they made me Captain for my looks?" Kari asked enjoying their shocked looks.

"You can't be serious." Renji said eyes like saucers.

"Sure I am. You think they let just anyone have a Quincy Lieutenant?" Kari stole Kenpachi's cookie. "Sweet revenge!"

Squad 11

"Where the hell is everybody?" Ikkaku growled prowling through the division.

"Did you check squad 5?" Orihime asked walking in with Chad.

"I felt Ichigo's spiritual pressure when we were at the tea shop." Chad added helpfully.

"If Ichigo's there then Captain probably is too…" Ikkaku trailed off wondering what his captain was doing in a tea shop.

"Ichigo was talking to Captain and Uryu last time I saw him." Orihime said thoughtfully. "Yumichika was standing with them so maybe they're all together."

"We can help you look." Chad offered.

"Heh. Let's go then." Ikkaku said walking toward the exit.

Living World

Kisuke stretched working the kinks out of his muscles. Finally, all the bugs had been worked out and it was time to implement his plan. Leaning forward he quickly typed in the activation code. Operation IkkaYumi is now underway. He grinned evilly. Now how to lure his favorite substitute soul reaper back to the shop… He tapped on a few keys bringing up the specs for Ichigo's converter bracelet. Now, if he just modulated correctly it should…

Chocolate shop

"The hell?" Ichigo brought the vibrating bracelet up to eye level.

"You better get that checked out." Uryu frowned.

"Yeah, if it quit working…" Renji left it up to his imagination to fill in the blanks.

"Damn." Kenpachi grumbled since he couldn't fight Ichigo now.

"I guess I have to run back to Urahara's and get it fixed." Ichigo scowled waving goodbye.

"Yumichika…" Kari said looking at something behind him. "Did you know there's a banner with your name on it over there?"

"Huh?" Yumichika turned to see a huge banner with the worlds 'Ikkaku' a giant heart 'Yumichika forever' painted on it.

"Operation IkkaYumi is now underway." Kari, Uryu, and Renji said in unison.

"WHAT THE HELL?" Ikkaku shouted making everyone turn to look at him.

Uryu elbowed Renji giving him a look that clearly stated 'do something'.

"Ikkaku," Renji said clapping him on the shoulder. "I was starting to think you didn't have the guts to confess."

Ikkaku opened his mouth to protest, but Yumichika wisely chose that moment to latch onto his arm.

"It's all so magical." Kari said with a teasing edge in her voice.

"Captain." Uryu motioned her over to the window. "You can't say he isn't thorough."

"Woah… he really is a genius." Kari muttered taking in all the various banners with their different variations of 'Ikkaku loves Yumichika'.

"It's like Valentine's Day exploded all over the place." Renji muttered looking out the window.

"There's no going back from that." Kenpachi muttered looking at the displays.

"That's so romantic Ikkaku!" Orihime said with hands clasped under her chin.

Chad said nothing having seen enough of Urahara's work to recognize it.

Ikkaku tried to talk again but he was enjoying having Yumichika pressed up against him so he sealed his lips and decided to suffer through it.

"You know this means Kira won the betting pool." Kari commented to Chad.

"I bet that someone would involve Urahara so I won too." Chad commented.

"We should have bet too." Uryu says with a scowl.

"Byakuya is holding the bet ledgers and cash." Kari told him mournfully.

"On second thought, it's better if these things are in house." Uryu said adjusting his glasses.

"Especially, since you're still on his bad list." Renji added. "I hope you're prepared to get the cold shoulder for the next three or four decades."

"I thought it would the next three or four centuries." Kari muttered shaking her head.

"Honestly, I never thought of Kuchiki as one to hold grudges," Uryu mused. "perhaps you're a special case Captain."

Kari huffed scowling cutely. "You would think dating the man entitled you to a little slack, but no, not Byakuya."

"Captain… has a girlfriend?" Renji said a little faintly.

"Then why has Kenpachi been hanging around so much?" Uryu frowned.

"Byakuya told him I 'attract espada'." Kari answered sourly. "I swear he's one lab accident away from being an evil super-villain."

"I think Orihime and Chad are dating." Renji said abruptly.

"What?" Kari and Uryu hissed pressing him for details.

"It's just something about the way Chad acts when she's around." Renji said sagely.

Uryu and Kari looked at each other, then glued their eyes to Chad watching him for tells.

Urahara shop

"What do you mean nothing's wrong with it?" Ichigo growled grinding his teeth.

"When have you ever known any of my inventions to fail, Ichigo?" Kisuke smirked.

"You bastard! You just lured me here so you could…" He sputtered indignantly.

"Have my way with you?" Kisuke supplied devilishly.

"GAH!" Ichigo threw his hands up. "You are a hopeless lecher!"

"But I'm your hopeless lecher." Kisuke said silkily.

Ichigo bared his teeth at the other man. Then like lightning striking a fence post it hit him. Pure inspiration.

"So… boyfriend." Ichigo murmured rolling the word over his tongue. "You ready to meet the in-laws?"

Kisuke's eyes widen comically and the man actually paled. Ichigo smiled triumphantly. Finally, finally he got one over on the other man. Kisuke didn't miss his satisfied smirk or the gleam in his eye. Ichigo knew that Kisuke wasn't one to stay down for long so, he wasn't all that surprised by the man's reply.

"I'm free tomorrow night." Kisuke said with twinkle in his eye.

"Tomorrow?" Ichigo croaked.

"Don't you want me to meet your family I-chi-go." Kisuke taunted.

Ichigo gritted his teeth. "Fine, I'll be here at six-thirty and you are not wearing that!"

Kisuke just smiled serenely as the younger man marched out of the shop muttering about something-or-other.

"What to wear?" Kisuke mused tapping his fan against his lips thoughtfully.

The next day a.k.a. meeting the family

"Ichigo my son!" Issin flew at his son aiming to tackle him only to be stopped short when Karin launched a soccer ball at his face.

Ichigo face palmed. "Dad this is my boyfriend. Kisuke that's my dad."

"Oh Mother!" Isshin was draped dramatically against a giant poster of Ichigo's mom. "Our little boy has finally become a man! He's all grown up and brining home his future husband!" He said the last part with tears pouring down his cheeks.

"He's quite eccentric." Kisuke smirked behind his fan.

"No, he's crazy." Karin said sourly.

"Welcome to our home." Yuzu said executing a cute bow.

"These are my sisters Karin and Yuzu." Ichigo said introducing him.

"My name is Kisuke Urahara. It's a pleasure to meet you." Kisuke said shaking Karin's hand and giving Yuzu a sweeping bow.

Yuzu giggled and Karin pulled their dad away from the poster.

"What are your intentions toward my darling Ichigo?" Isshin growled now nose to nose with Kisuke.

"I plan to treat him with love and tenderness." Kisuke replied.

"The Universe is conspiring to kill me by sheer embarrassment." Ichigo muttered under his breath his cheeks an unhealthy shade of red.

"Did you hear that Mother?" Isshin was kneeling at the poster again babbling as tears streaked his cheeks.

Outside the Kurosaki Clinic

"Is his father always that eccentric?" Kari asked trailing behind Byakuya.

"If Renji's reports are to be believed then yes." Byakuya said dismissively.

Kari gaped at the house. "Hey wait for me!" She had to run to catch up to the noble. "So where are going?" She said wrapping herself around his arm.

"Out." He answered without inflection.

"You're being obtuse." Kari pouted.

"It's deliberate." Byakuya said looking straight ahead to conceal his smirk.

"Gah!" Kari huffed. "You really are evil. I'm just glad I'm not you're enemy. I don't think I'd survive the first encounter."

"Few would." Byakuya agreed.

"You're impossible!" Kari accused.

"I can't be impossible." Byakuya closed the distance between them. "What you mean is I'm improbable." He stole a chaste kiss.

Kari shook herself out of a daze and hurried to catch up with him.

Squad 5

"Do you have any twos?" Rukia asked Renji frowning at her cards.

"Go fish." Renji grinned at her over his hand.

"Orihime, do you have any eights?" Uryu asked switching his cards around.

Orihime handed him a card. Uryu placed them down in front of him.

"Chad." Uryu said choosing his next victim. "Do you have any queens?"

Chad handed him the card. "You're good at this Uryu."

Uryu placed the cards down beside the others. "Thanks."

"Hanataro, do you have any tens?" Hanataro handed him a card.

"I think Uryu is going to win." Hanataro said looking at all his neat little discard piles.

"It ain't over yet." The ever competitive Renji muttered.

"Renji, do you have any sevens?" Uryu asked taking a gamble.

"Go fish." Renji smirked.

Uryu drew a card and smirked when he showed it to the others.

"How did he do that?" Orihime asked as Uryu discarded two more cards.

"He's not going to tell us." Chad surmised.

"It's probably some secret Quincy technique." Rukia muttered.

"I would think he's just remembers which cards we're asking for." Hanataro offered his theory.

"He's right." Uryu confirmed with a lazy smile.

"I want a new game." Renji grumbled knowing Uryu was bound to win.

"I have Uno cards." Uryu offered.

"I love Uno!" Orihime cheered.

"At least we'll have a fair chance." Renji muttered.

Squad 11

Ikkaku refilled his glass.

"Sake? At this time of day?" Yumichika said exasperated.

Ikkaku grunted, petting Yumichika's hair placating. Yumichika sniffed but otherwise allowed it. After waiting a century for his partner to come to terms with his feelings he certainly wasn't about to rain on the parade right now.

"I should send Urahara a bottle of sake." Yumichika mused.

"Heh. Make it two." Ikkaku said in agreement.

"He's meeting Ichigo's family today." Yumichika said causally.

Ikkaku choked on his sake. "Send a case."

"For Urahara?" Yumichika asked surprised.

"For Ichigo." Ikkaku countered.

Yumichika smirked. "I should send a case to the Captain too, but Byakuya might take it wrong way. Don't want to get on his bad side."

"Any more than you already are?" Ikkaku smirked.

"Did you know he's dating my Captain?" Yumichika asked. "And we still can't catch a break."

"Byakuya Kuchiki has a girlfriend…" Ikkaku muttered. "How the hell did that happen?"

Yumichika shrugged. "I didn't ask."

The End


End file.
